Chowrangi

The Noble Bond of Marriage: Rights and Duties of Spouse

Why is it that there is so much of misunderstanding between husbands and wives? Why is it that they feel so fed up with each other a short while after marriage? Does anyone realize the sanctity of marriage?

Marriage is not dating (dating and all relationships outside marriage are haraam). It is not a temporary relationship. A person’s aim should be to make it a lifelong relation. Marriage is one of the strongest and most noble covenants in the sight of Allah SWT, and the family is the most important unit in the structure of society. We should not underestimate this blessing from Allah SWT.

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy…” [Surah al-Room : 21]

So, where has the affection gone? No, I am not directing this solely to men. It is for both to be reasonable instead of turning to the evil quagmire of black magic.

Women are created from the upper rib, which is the most crooked rib.
The Prophet (May Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Woman was created from a rib, and if you try to straighten the rib you will break it, so be gentle with her and you will be able to live with her.”

Stubbornness is found in women. So the husband should be gentle with his wife. It is part of her nature (but it can be changed). If a debate has ensued the husband should explain the matter to her in a gentle manner, and approach her with the intention of winning her over, not of imposing his views lest the wife feels her voice is being suppressed.

“Fear Allah concerning women! Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah, and intercourse with them has been made lawful unto you by words of Allah. You too have rights over them, and that they should not allow anyone to sit on your bed [i.e., not let them into the house] whom you do not like. But if they do that, you can chastise them but not severely. Their rights upon you are that you should provide them with food and clothing in a fitting manner” [Muslim]

A man should fulfill both his financial (mehr, spending on her, accommodation) and non-financial (kind treatment, respect and not harming her) rights towards his wife.

But this does not give the green signal to wives to act immaturely and misbehave with their husbands. A husband has more rights over his wife than vice versa. The reason is explained in the following verse:

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” [Surah al-Nisaa’: 34]

A husband supports his wife and children and works hard so they will comfortably. He protects them and gives them clothing and shelter, by the Grace of Allah SWT. This entitles him to more rights, mainly his wife’s obedience. A wise woman would know how to behave properly with her husband.

A woman’s duties towards her husband are: obedience, making herself available to him (unless there is a valid reason for not doing so), not doing something that he doesn’t like (allowing someone at home whom he dislikes or fasting (optional fasts) when he doesn’t want her to and so on), serving him and treating him well.

The Messenger of Allah (May Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) said, “It is not right that any human being should prostrate to another human being, I would have ordered the woman to prostrate to her husband due to the greatness of his rights upon her.” [Ahmad]

Try to overlook some shortcomings or words or deeds that do not have any evil intention in them. Be patient with one another because everyone makes mistakes, and the one with whom we have to be most patient is the one with whom we live and interact with the most. Do not pick on each other in trivial matters except in duties towards Allah. This is what Allah SWT tells us to do: “… And live with them (women) honorably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good.” [Surah al-Nisa’: 19].

Allah SWT has made man physically stronger and woman emotionally stronger. Both should not misuse their strengths for they both have to answer for their deeds. Their strengths are a test for them.

Instead of resorting to black magic if one follows Allah’s Commands completely, insha’Allah, they would not encounter any problems. Those who take the aid of black magic in, supposedly, fixing marriage problems are in fact taking the help of Satan. Do they realize that whatever power Satan has that has been given to him by the Sole Creator, Allah SWT? Be sensible!

Posted

in

,

by

Seemeen Yousufzai

Tags:

, , ,

Comments

12 responses to “The Noble Bond of Marriage: Rights and Duties of Spouse”

  1. James Killian Spratt Avatar
    James Killian Spratt

    @Irfan: Oops, sorry for misspelling your name; still learning.

    Reply
  2. Momina Avatar
    Momina

    @JKS: 🙂 we finally agree on something but we have different ways of expressing it 🙂

    I rarely speak urdu and when i do maybe it is with an accent :(….ask others not me, i feel no difference. Same is the case with my mother tongue, i feel i’m talking fine but my parents find it very funny…It is amusing for others but confidence shattering for the victim, lol. At times one feels so flustered saying anything!

    @SL: 🙂 i know it is not that easy one has to have a conscience as well to follow it. hmm…i was about to ask you if you could give me a direct link but then thought how lazy we have become. Clicking has become so difficult!? I will, insha’Allah, go through it.

    Reply
  3. Shakir Lakhani Avatar
    Shakir Lakhani

    @ Momina: “If everyone knows about their rights and duties things would work out very well”. If only it were that simple. All drivers know they shouldn’t over speed or go through a red light, yet hundreds do and cause accidents. In Pakistan, it would be too much to expect even the educated male to treat his wife as an equal. Exceptions are there, of course. If you have the time, read my piece “In the land of wife-beaters”, first published in DAWN and included in my blog.

    Reply
  4. James Killian Spratt Avatar
    James Killian Spratt

    Momina, do you mean I finally got something right? Well, thanks! (Actually I didn’t– I completely forgot the part about LISTENING to your spouse with both ears open and mouth shut until they are finished making their points, then taking thirty breaths to let theirs sink in, and only then begin couching your own reply, but I guess you know something like that already.) Your subject struck a chord and put me on a roll.

    “Kaafi,” teek hey, shukria. (I love languages. Nastaliq is so pretty to look at, but thirty-eight letters?–urrrrr…:-) ) Do you speak Urdu with an accent? My mother had a very thick Scottish accent; I think that little bit of difference drives one to a higher level of alertness.

    @Ifran: Agreed, and agreed. I think men should be at least 30, and women well past twenty before they marry. By then many of their idealistic illusions have fallen away and the young man has been able to establish himself in his work. Even in the best of times money doesn’t just fall into your lap, and life can get really nitty-gritty sometimes. There are no substitutes for hard work, thrift and savings.

    Yeah, anyone with any lights on is status-conscious, and that’s good, I suppose, unless it drives them beyond real values. A nice new car and fine house and such are well and good, but not if they have been stolen from the starving, when a more modest house and a good, solid used car would be *kaafi.* What one has, another has not, and those who somehow have ‘way too much need to be dealt with cautiously. They’ll bite you, too. So where, exactly, did the Big Shot’s money come from?

    Yeah, we all need to know the whole spirit, if not every word, of our Owner’s Manuals. Girls and guys.

    Reply
  5. Momina Avatar
    Momina

    @Irfan: Yes, exactly. If everyone knows about their rights and duties things would work out very well. Here I can say that I agree with every word of your comment.

    Reply
  6. James Killian Spratt Avatar
    James Killian Spratt

    @Shakir: Yes, there is a Darwinian selection process at work in mating, and the fit survive. It is probably just too much to expect that some will not drop off the bottom of the ladder, for whatever reasons. Just sad but true.

    I’m not too worried about men and women losing their gender identities, no matter how much crossover into opposite roles is tried. I’ve yet to see a female ironworker or Medal-of-Honor winner, and the day a man bears a child I’ll eat my hat. I bet there’ll be plenty of weirdnesses among the crossovers that we haven’t seen yet. It doesn’t bother me what others do to get their jollies, as long as no one’s being forced into something they don’t want or aren’t ready for.

    Reply
  7. Irfan Avatar
    Irfan

    I think the problem lies with both man and women,they begin their marital life with lot of false expectations,we tend to live in an ideal world,a husband wishes that his wife should have all the good qualities which he can just think off and same goes for the wife.But reality is quite different.The financial worries add fuel to fire.
    In Pakistan mostly the people go for wealth,in arranging marriages,and later on the differences pop up.Its all because of the reason that we do not pay any heed to the sayings of our beloved Prophet(peace be upon him).
    Narrated Abu Huraira:The Prophet said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.
    Another reason for disputes is that,neither husband nor wife knows his/her duties/obligations according to Quran and Sunnah,thus we find ourselves in trouble.

    Reply
  8. Momina Avatar
    Momina

    @JKS: 🙂 I appreciate your words.

    I agree with you on all the points you have made.

    lol@mehr: yes that is true and that ‘more’ is one of the major factors of discord in the bond.

    Btw, mehr is originally an Arabic term referring to the gift-like dowry given to the wife by the husband. It is decided at the time of the marriage contract.

    Sufficient would be kaafi in Urdu, if someone knows a better term please do share. Urdu is the national language of my country but not my mother tongue, nor the first language i learned. so do excuse me if there is a more appropriate term for it.

    @SL: Once again i agree that financial worries are usually the cause of problems in marriage.

    But one would overcome those worries as well if they work on it together. It is a mutual problem they are facing, not individual.
    Value of the person cannot be based on his/her financial standing.

    May Allah SWT guide us all, ameen!

    Reply
  9. Shakir Lakhani Avatar
    Shakir Lakhani

    Most problems between men and women are due to financial reasons. When men don’t earn enough, they lose the respect of their wives. But gradually, women are doing many jobs which were previously done only by men. Flying aircraft, driving trucks and railway engines, building factories, you name it, women are doing it. And when cloning of humans becomes the norm, men and women will be able to live independently of each other. Men particularly will be the losers, since they need sex more than women. There will be no illicit sex (in fact, there will be very little sex, and most of it will be between men and men or women and women, or men and animals). I wonder if such a planet would be worth living in.

    Reply
  10. James Killian Spratt Avatar
    James Killian Spratt

    Super post, Momina. “evil quagmire of black magic”–extremely well said, I think. In difficulties between two people, especially younger ones to whom so many things are new, sometimes third-party intercession is required, but it should be that of institutions of proven good intent. There’s a reason that established religions remain, and that’s because they work. They contain the wisdom of the ages, and are benign. Black magic and witchery contain malicious elements.

    Interestingly, the word “mehr” in German means “more.” A wife should be careful not to demand “mehr, mehr, mehr!” 🙂 an easy trap to fall into in this competitive, material world. What’s the Urdu word for “sufficient?” If a couple are good to each other over the years, they will have their “mehr, mehr, mehr.”

    Marriage is the most intimate interface any individual has with the rest of mankind; it is where the rubber meets the road, and is the measure of the individual. It is only as good as you make it, and also, LET it become. When you meet the right one, you will feel God’s finger upon your head (the big head, not the little one; although the little one will certainly agree, don’t let it make this decision for you 🙂 ) and you will KNOW, this is the ONE for me. It’s quite a moving, life-changing event, unforgettable.

    Men and women are obviously different, and when one marries, these differences become most apparent, in ways good and bad. Figuratively speaking, women are cars, men are trucks. Children might be motorcycles.

    I think it is good to remember, in moments of misunderstanding and heat between spouses, that no living creature can be blamed for what it is–be it male or female, red, brown, white, black or yellow, human or rabbit or cow or serpent or mosquito; none of those things are like a wise decision one made on one’s own behalf. We are all dropped helpless, kicking and screaming into this world, equipped or unequipped as we may be, to fend for ourselves as best we can for as long as we can. So is your wife, and so is your husband. (And truly, everything else that moves under its own power, but that’s another story.)

    People get angry because they care. If there is no love, there is no caring, therefore no anger. Husbands and wives, so close and chosen by each other, matter the most, and the urge to find common ground, agreement and harmony is ever-present and urgent. We want our mates to be perfect, because they are the mirrors which reflect us, and show us the parts of ourselves that we do not know from within (sometimes these revelations come as nasty surprises! 🙂 ). The world measures us to a great extent by our mates, too.

    It is also impossible to remain angry at one whose face you have watched with total delight, in those moments of highest intimacy, screaming and writhing helplessly as in the throes of tortured agony, but which is really the exact opposite, and as close as we get to Heaven on this earth. For those brief moments they lie revealed as the newborn, helpless, kicking and screaming, that they once were, the grateful recipient of your grand gift, and the giver of their very best to you. That’s awfully strong glue.

    As intimacy is the greatest pleasure, disagreement is the greatest agony. The urge to fix a disagreement RIGHT NOW is powerful, but patience, commitment and empathy are required. Yelling and stony silence do not solve it, although they might demonstrate that there is a problem and how big it is. The willingness to take the required time to solve problems, even if it seems that it will take a lifetime, braced by the ability to put oneself in the other’s shoes are priceless saving graces.

    Momina, you’re got a whopper of a subject here. 🙂

    Reply
1 2
Newer Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *