A letter to Baitullah Mahsud

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Dear Mr. Mahsud,

I write this letter to you as a fellow Muslim and a sympathizer. For the last year or so, you have taken up the mantle of the Emir-e-Taliban in your area and plunged as all into a constant fear of suicide bombings, killings, militancy etc etc!! What gives man??? What’s the bloody point of all this, sure I know Ayman’s a great pal of yours and you are enamored by him and wanna be like him but dude!! Have you ever thought about all the people you have killed? Have you ever considered the fact that your life is jus an endless run from cave to house and back to some cave. Is this what Islam has taught you?? Are you even aware of the fact that Islam forbids taking of any innocent life? Or did you just fall out of your cot/crib on your head when you were young?

I know I know, its great to be a vigilante, and to believe in your head that you are the solution to the world’s problems. However let’s consider your plans. Hmmm so you are going to destabilize Pakistan by blowing up as many things as you can with your suicide bombers, and make the nation fall into anarchy and then what? How will that help the cause of Islam? If you want to make change happen is not a political way a better option? Because at the rate you are going all you will be Khalifa off, is a big pile of smoldering metal and stone man!!

I think you are disillusioned; dis oriented and have had too many mushrooms in whatever jungle you are currently prowling around in. You seriously need to consider the pros and cons of this great militancy of yours, a few of which I am taking the trouble to outline below. However first I will try to understand why you think it’s all worth it all, so here goes:

Pros of Being Baitullah and engaging in Militancy

a)The Batman phscye : I am so kool, I am a crusader for justice, no one has taken a single photograph of me, infidels tremble at the utterance of my name, I am doing gods will.

b)I am now the defacto leader of the Mahsud Tribe, with great swathes of land at my disposal and many 14 year old chicks to have nikah with, Mashallah
I am the Emir!

c)I love Mullah Umar, he was also never photographed, one day I will cause great upheavals and then suddenly just disappear, taking with me as much loot and sawab as possible for the world and the hereafter

d)Somehow I will reduce the nation which has given me birth to one which is fragmented, where infidels and non believers are scared to come out of their homes for the fear that I will cut their willys off! I will also make sure that everyone who is not a Muslim pays as much as they can for being present in this world. Then I shall ask the great sheikh Osama for his sons hand in marriage.

Hopefully I have now reached the point where I understand you and you me, so therefore I will now try to reason with you by laying out the cons of your efforts.

Cons Of Being Baitullah and engaging in Militancy

a)It really sucks to be on the run all the time! One cannot even have a proper bed or someone to share it with, why I know you were in the middle of performing when you heard gunships and had to run once more!

b)Caves are horrible places, they smell and they smell more when you make water in them after hiding for a few days. One cannot even be decent in a cave, it is also cold in caves.

c)No one likes you, yes not even your great sheikh for as you grow in power both the mullahs in the cities you are so intent on destroying and the one in Afghanistan fear your power and thus want you to be gone. The general public would rip you apart if you did not have so many idiots with guns surrounding you.

d)The great cause you deem you are supporting is not the one mentioned in the Quran Idiote!! Even if you are engaging in some sort of Jihad to spread Islam, we are all muslim man!! What the hell are you gonna teach us?

Ok so now you are either quite pissed at me or somewhere deep down inside you feel some twinge of guilt at having been shown the truth. Remember Islam is all about the truth and what I said to you in this letter is honesty personified. So relax man, visit a bloody city once in a while! There are plenty of Hoors down here too if you got the right vibe. I would rather enjoy them if I were you, because when you meet your maker buddy, you and your gang of idiots are going to get 99 danda’s up your bum.

I remain, in eternal disgust

(Peace, give it a chance!)


3 thoughts on “A letter to Baitullah Mahsud”

  1. i really think that he is a curly sue, and behind his mouth rap, there he wears lipstick, glossy red:
    really i think he is a disgrase to his mother

    Reply
  2. Great post! I haven’t read such a good piece in a long time. Keep it up, this is the only way to tell all jihadis (including the ones who write on this blog) that they are abnormal and desperately need psychiatric treatment!

    Reply

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